


To Oz

by HisagiJ69



Category: Pandora Hearts
Genre: Letter, don't blame me, i was weirdly sad, post-manga
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-24
Updated: 2015-11-24
Packaged: 2018-05-03 05:32:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5278586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HisagiJ69/pseuds/HisagiJ69
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Hello, Oz.<br/>	It is probably very strange for you that I wrote this letter (it actually is for me as well) but I decided to do so, anyway, in the hopes that you would find it someday, even if I happen not to be here anymore..."</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Oz

**Author's Note:**

> I found this on my computer and I decided to post it :) I remember feeling very depressed writting this, ahaha, sorry guys :P don't take it too seriosuly ;)

            “Hello, Oz.

            It is probably very strange for you that I wrote this letter (it actually is for me as well) but I decided to do so, anyway, in the hopes that you would find it someday, even if I happen not to be here anymore. It occurred to me how foolish I must look, holding the feather like this, writing long letters on this empty paper, ones that will probably turn out meaningless, even if they ever get to you. But anyway, I believe I am probably doing this more for my self-comfort than anything else. That, I guess, because I have no other way to let all of this feelings and thoughts out. And there are so many things!

            So many things I wanted to tell you. So many things I never found the stomach or occasion or time to actually tell you. Maybe because our time together was far too short, not even near enough for my needs. But, once again, I don’ believe one hundred years would ever be enough to let you know all that you did for me, all that you _mean_ to me.

            It kills me, you know? I find myself awfully selfish for saying this, as your servant, who should by no means intend to trouble you but I feel that this confession has to be spoken or will otherwise burst in my chest. It killed me to see you go, to see your lips curve into a smile and wave goodbye for good; it killed me to have to let you go and not being able to avoid it; it killed me the thought of never having you with me again. It still kills me, your absence, still fresh and real, even though years have passed since that fatidic day. Like a hole in my chest, a missing piece of myself impossible to replace and it hurts like hell.

            I miss you. I miss you so much. I miss every little thing about you, even the bad things. I miss your teasing and I miss your sly grin, and I miss your green eyes and I miss your lovely hands touching mine. I miss the way you would mock me and also the way you would console me. I miss to wake up in the morning eager to meet you and I miss the raw happiness of just having you by my side.

            As I think about it, I guess I’ve already been through all of this, once you were dragged into the Abyss in your fifteenth’s anniversary. But now it’s completely different. Because, this time, I accepted your departure. This one time, I let you go. And so what I hold on to is mostly the hope of seeing you again, rather than the fear of never having you back. And that is good, I want to believe.

            I even wonder, more often than not, what would happen if I’d stopped you back then. Would’ve I held on to you as I’d promised? Would we still be together?

But I could not stop you, I know that much. Some things, though, would still be the same as now if I did. I still look up at the sky and smile, thinking of how much fun we had together. It’s true that we both dived down a seemingly never ending black rabbit hole, but we were holding hands, nevertheless. And that made the fall worth it. I wouldn’t have traded my memories of you for one more century of life.

            I think you will get mad at me while reading these lines, that you’d want me to move on and be happy. I just know you would want that. So I assure you I am happy! In spite of the hurt lingering in my heart, my life is going on, as I promised it would. I am doing my best to take care of our friends, even though it’s really hard, sometimes. I have learned a lot of things, I have even made new friends! We work together and we meet often, we even laugh sometimes, all of us, like when you were here.

But I am not moving on, never for real. I’m sorry. I can’t tell you I did try hard, because that’d be a lie. The truth is: I just don’t _want_ to let go. Until the end of my days, I will not stop clanging on to you, even though you’re not here. You are still the one I think about every day, the one that makes me move on and try to do my best. This pain I told you about is not going to fade, I’m sure, but I will cherish it the more I can, because it is the only proof I have that you were here. And when you come back, even if I’m not here anymore, I hope you to be proud, knowing I remained your faithful servant and friend until the very end.

            I hope you have a great life once you are reborn, and I hope you live it to the fullest. I hope that I am able to meet you someday, even if not in one hundred years, maybe in two or three or four hundred. I hope my soul to meet yours again, because I know that’s the only way it’ll ever be complete. You are the place where I belong, after all. You are my home.

But that’s all I have. Hopes. And those, in this world, are not near enough. Still miracles happen, I know that now. You taught me that. They exist since ever and they clouded my life since the very beginning. It was a miracle that I collapsed in your family’s mansion, it was a miracle that I lost you just to find you once again. Meeting you was a miracle, the best one. So now I hope for one more. And I will keep hoping.

I wanted to write something to the Stupid Rabbit as well, but wouldn’t know how to put it and I don’t even know if she can actually read, to be honest, so I will just write this one for you, and I expect you to tell her I remember her. Good and bad and all. Tell her I accomplished my promise to learn how to cook with one hand, and tell her I’m eager to let her taste some new meat dishes I found. Don’t let her get into trouble as well. I trust you that mission, and I’m sure you’ll do a great job. Taking care of others has always been your thing, after all, even when you neglected yourself in the process. I wish that to be different now.

So basically, tell Alice I miss her. And that I’ll be waiting for her as well.

For you both. I will die waiting, but I will not lose hope. Meeting you both has made me understand that, after all, hope is the one and only thing that keeps the world spinning. So when you are back, please carry my hope, okay? And when we meet, I will make it up to you. I swear.

For now, Oz, please forgive the tears staining this paper, by knowing I tried my best to hold them back, and, above all, rest assured that I will forever love you, no matter how many lives I have to go through before I find you.

And I will.

I promise.

 

Gilbert.”


End file.
